the day

Today is exactly the fifth month since that day, the day that I knew would come, the day that I was scared the most. Time flies, people change, so do you, the one who has been in my life for almost three years is no longer here anymore…

Long story I guess, and I don’t want to recall all the memories because I don’t want to open the wound anymore. Back to five years ago, it was hurt and I was scared when you came, suddenly you tried to heal the wound that you have left. I prayed for strength, slowly opening this fragile heart and you managed to enter it. You tried to fix it, and I was surprised that works, it really works for almost 3 years. No more pain, and I was glad you came to help me recover from the pains…

I thought everything will be different from that day, I thought it will be the end of the pains but I was wrong and too naïve. I trust too much, and I love too much. People say, you can’t guarantee someone to love you as much you did. I used to think, love covers everything, love will heal every pain. As long as you are being sincere and do it with all your heart, good things will happen to you. However, the important things that I forgot, love is a sacrifice and love hurts…

The day when you came, I agreed that was the best decision for us. We should improve ourselves, focus on our own goals, and be closer to God. I accept all the blames that you said to me. I knew what was my mistakes and yeap, it’s my fault, not able to be someone that you expect me to be. Then, in just a short time, you suddenly hit me again “indirectly”. You just open the wound easily while I'm still struggling to recover. It is too painful for me, too much tears that has come out until I can’t feel anything at all…

There are a lot of questions in my mind, but my heart is too tired to search the answers because it will just hurt my heart more and more. I don’t know if I actually have a right to be disappointed or not. Honestly, it just really hurts, more hurt than before, even the scars from the past come back and make the pains even worse...

All I can do is just pray. Pray for you, and pray for me. I believe God provides greater things ahead in my life. All these pains will be the song of joy according to His time. It’s really God who makes me able to face you. It’s really God who gives me strength so I still able to smile when I see you. It’s really God who knows how hurts the pains are. As much as I want to hate you, I just can’t because I know it won’t help me to heal the pain, and God also doesn't want me to hate you...

“One day tears will dry, scars will heal, heart will mend, and I will dance again.”

Try

If I walk would you run
If I stop would you come
If I say you’re the one would you believe me
If I ask you to stay would you show me the way
Tell me what to say so you don’t leave me
The world is catching up to you
while you're running away to chase your dream
Its time for us to make a move cause we are asking one another to change
and maybe im not ready

But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We’ve been hiding enough

If I sing you a song would you sing along
or wait till im gone , oh how we push and pull
If I give you my heart would you just play the part
or tell me it’s the start of something beautiful
Am I catching up to you
while you're running away , to chase your dreams
Its time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change
and maybe im not ready

But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We’ve been hiding enough

I will try for your love
I can hide up above

If I walk would you run
If I stop would you come
If I say you’re the one would you believe me

nuf said.

"friends"

Hello, it's been a long time i haven't update my blog! This semester is superrrrrrr tiring. A week before submission, i always sleep only 1-2 hours. But thanks God, it almost over, just left one more month for the last project then going for internship and it will be the end of sem 4 :D

Actually today is the last day of the submission for all the modules that i had and i realized if i became an "unsociable" person. Almost of my friends say that, especially my high school's friends. Not because i don't want to play with them, but i just can't manage my time well :(
Usually, we always go together at least on the weekend but when i have a free day, i went to thailand for educational trip with my school. So, it almost two months i didn't go with them.

Today, i skip going with my school mates and chose to go with my high school's friends. It was fun! And i enjoy going with them. But, it also made me think about something. I didn't know what they said and the story that they talked about hahaha. So, i just keep quite and listen them talking. It's ok for me, because i know it was my fault not to manage my time with them but i don't know why i felt sad too.

Then it made me think about the word "FRIENDS". I don't know who is my best friends yet hahaha maybe people judge me as an extrovert person, but they don't know the other side of myself :P i do have a lot of friends, and i close to some of them. But, are they my BEST FRIEND or my GOOD FRIEND? One of my friends told me if i put a wall in front of myself that made others can't be in the inner circle of myself. "But, how do we know when to let someone in to deepest circles of our lives?" Maybe my past experiences really affects the way i thought about friends. They can be "BETTER" than your enemies. So, i think it's better to build the wall..

*but still wondering who will break my wall later hahahaa

the better one will definitely come

it's been a long time i don't think about my future

until that day comes...

actually, this is my one and a half year living in Singapore but i don't know why i feel so bored.

not because i don't like my school, but i just get bored to do the same thing everyday. you just go to school, do the things that the teachers ask you to do, go home and sleep. i love my friends and i love to live with both of my brothers together here and i think maybe that's the thing that make me feel "bored". sometimes i wonder to live in the far far away place where nobody knows me and nobody that i know. it will make me become more mature and independent as well hahaha 

suddenly, there was a good news...

i just know if my school can do the transfer credit to another university but you have to quit before the next semester start which means this semester is my last chance! if i quit from my school after i finished my fourth semester, i don't need to work here and the MOE will release me, there is no bond to work, and no need to pay the fine too! it sounds good, right? So i start to search some universities where i can transfer my credit there

i have given my transcript to one of the university in Vancouver, Canada. My transcript wasn't too bad :p so they said i don't need to redo my second year there. if i study there, i can continue directly to the third year (to finish the diploma) and one more year to finish my degree!!

unfortunately...

the application for the new admission has already closed just a few days ago. i just feel soooooo disappointed. if only i could turn back the time :(

sometimes i regret not to know about the transfer credit things from the beginning. i just missed one of the biggest chance to change my life :(

but, whatever that happened, i have to give thanks to Him! maybe this time is not the right time for me to go there. So from now on, i have to focus to finish my diploma in Singapore and i hope i can go to another country to continue my degree later. because i know He has the best plan for my life. the better one will definitely come (:

chasing pavements

what does hurt most?
trying to let you go and watching you with someone else or keep waiting about something that may never happen?
it's just getting harder and more hurt as well..
how i wish i could turn back the time..

"should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements?
even if it leads nowhere"

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,

If I'm wrong I am right,

Don't need to look no further,

This ain't lust.

I know this is love but,

If i tell the world,

I'll never say enough,

Cause it was not said to you,

And that's exactly what i need to do,

If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere,

Or would it be waste?

Even if i knew my place should i leave it there?

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,

And fly around circles,

Waiting as my heart drops,

And my back begins to tingle

Finally could this be it

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere,

Or would it be waste?

Even if i knew my place should i leave it there?Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere

Adele - Chasing Pavements

5cm

"Mimpi - mimpi kamu, cita - cita kamu, keyakinan kamu, apa yang kamu mau kejar, biarkan ia menggantung, mengambang 5 centimeter di depan kening kamu. Jadi dia ngga akan pernah lepas dari mata kamu. Dan kamu bawa mimpi dan keyakinan kamu itu setiap hari, kamu lihat setiap hari, dan percaya kamu pasti bisa.

Apa pun hambatannya, bilang sama diri kamu sendiri, kalo kamu percaya sama keinginan itu dan kamu nggak bisa menyerah. Bahwa kamu akan berdiri lagi setiap kamu jatuh, bahwa kamu akan mengejarnya sampai dapat, apapun itu, segala keingan, mimpi, cita - cita, keyakinan diri...

Biarkan keyakinan kamu, 5 centimeter mengambang di depan kening kamu.

Dan... sehabis itu yang kamu perlu cuma kaki yang akan berjalan jauh dari biasanya, tangan yang akan berbuat lebih banyak dari biasanya, mata yang akan menatap lebih lama dari biasanya, leher yang akan lebih sering melihat ke atas, lapisan tekad yang seribu kali lebih keras dari baja, dan hati yang akan bekerja lebih keras dari biasanya, serta mulut yang selalu berdoa..

Keep our dreams alive, and we will survive.."

5cm - Donny Dhirgantoro

good day

today is a good day!hahaha it always feels good to be home!! and here i am, writing this new post in my own room, in my home :D

however the flight has delayed for almost 4 hours, i still felt happy today..

first, something has made my day since morning. thanks :)

second, i meet my kindergarten friend whom i never meet for almost 14 years!!

i just felt so happy to meet my childhood friend..

so here the story...

i decided to go home with my best friend, jessica. she said her school friend also go home at the same time as us, with the same flight also. but, i think i won't know them because we are from different school. when jessica said their name, one of the names was so familiar for me and suddenly i remember one of my kindergarten friend who has the same name as him.i ask jessica if he was at the same school as mine or not and the answer is YES hahaha. so, i'm sure if he was one of my childhood friend..

i forget about his face but i remember the story about him

he came to my home with his bicycle and gave me a big brown teddy bear when i celebrated my 5th birthday. that's the memory that i remember about him..

oh btw, his name is adrian and there is anzel, a person who i just know today hahaha

and coincidentally, we went home together and meet today after 14 years has passed :)

when i told my mom about this story, she also forgot about his name. but when i said, the one who gave me a big brown teddy bear when i was 5, then she remember him hahaha. my mom even remember his mom, his sister, and his family. because his sister is the same age as my first brother too..

it makes me realize if time really flies so fast!!

and everything will be changed as the time goes by. now, i think "change" doesn't always consider as a negative thought. thank you for you who said this to me :)

jessica, me, adrian, anzel :)

a 14 years old teddy bear lol

random thought

Everything has become too far and it's so hard to go back to the beginning. If only i can choose, i also don't want to be in this situation but it has already happened, i have to face it. The feeling when you scared of your own feeling and always try to think if it is not real at all or maybe it is just for a while. But as the time goes by, it just getting harder to make this feeling disappeared. Am i wrong to have this feeling?Am i too easy to fall so i get lost? Everything is back to myself, it's my own fault. Should be no expectation from the beginning, indeed..indeed.. Now, something is missing and i don't have any rights to complain about anything. I should learn and get used to this kind of feeling :(

If only i could say to you directly, it will become a relieve for myself but how if it will ruin everything? So, i have to endure this. Just keep it inside, keep it inside. Hopefully it will go as soon as possible until everything will be back to normal. Someone said, it's unfair for me haha but nvm i'm happy with everything that has happened between us before. However it seems it will never ever happen again, i still got  a lot of lessons that make me stronger and more mature. Because everything always change, right? Maybe you're right. I can't understand what you feel, i can't understand you at all. But, sometimes i think maybe the feeling that you feel to her is the same as my feeling to you. It's better to keep it inside and pretending nothing happened.

And honestly, i'm quite disappointed to know the truth that you never say to me. It really helps me if you said the truth from the beginning. But, i know you have your own reason which is i never know. I can't tell this to anyone. It just screwed in my mind all the time and i need to throw it all away here to makes me feel better.

Please don't get me wrong hahaha. I know we are better to be just like this. I don't get mad to you too because i have known you "quite" well hehehehe. I know you do not ever have any intentions to make me feel like this. I will try to handle this feeling and make it disappeared as soon as i can hahaha. And please don't be awkward or anything. Like as you said, the feeling just show up on the day that you write the post in your blog :)
Live your own life well! and good luck for the last last last exams in your school life hahahaha God bless :)

a farewell message

dulllll how are you?it has been three years already haha. time flies so fast
seems like you have proven to me and to yourself that you are good at english :p
congratulation for you, becoming an australian man now hehehe
reminding the good old times when you always called me to teach you english
before our exam, you called me at night and always asked me to explain about it
we studied through phone until midnight hahaha
and when i got your exam to be checked, i had to change your answers so you wouldn't got a bad mark
such a coincidence that you also got my exam to be checked too
now, i believe you have already good at it. all becomes a good memory..

i know we will never go back anymore. you have found your mrs.right and i still on my way to find mine. congratulation for both of you, just heard about the news few days ago. long last dul :)
don't worry about me because i'm happy for both of you :)
thank you for saying i was the one that make you change to be a better man
i appreciate when you felt regret about everything that has happened to us
you don't have to regret dul, because you are becoming happier now and so am i :)
i believe that you have already changed, keep treating your mrs.right well!you have promised that to me haha
last time when we met each other was in my farewell party, so it has been more than a year i haven't seen you yet. hope someday we will meet and talk each other again like in the past as a good friend :)

take care in aussie!should be a diligent and successful person in your study, your life, and everything. don't forget to keep smiling, that's what you teach me to do whenever i felt down. and last, don't ever forget what we have been through together especially on that rainy day hahaha :p
let's keep our memories for ourselves. promise me!
thank you for making me smile
thank you for reminding me to read bible everyday
and thank you for the lesson and the memories that you gave to me
take care and good luck to you dudul jeleeeeeeeekkkkk
don't worry, you will always be my ugliest friend forever hehehehehe :)

still wondering why you put that sad face hahahaha

exercise oh exercise

this week was so damn tiring!
body clock screwed, sleepless night, and head is going to explode haha
all the exercises for every subject should be submitted this week!
inhaleeeeeeee exhaleeeeeee inhaleeeeeee exhaleeeeeee

but thank to God, i still can manage my time well
and i'm happy with my works :)

okkkkk i want to share what i did for my "narrative illustration's" exercise
the topic was about phobia and i chose heliophobia which means scared of the sun

1. actually, i did some sketches but the teacher like this two

2. i scanned the sketches into my laptop and start tracing them using adobe illustrator. others said it will be easier if we use tablet, but i don't get used to it LOL so i just used my mouse and it took almost 5 hours each to trace the sketches -.-

sorry, it looks so messy -.-

the hardest part when i did this was to choose which one that should be in the front and which one that should be at the back. we have to draw everything in different layers. and arranging the layers wasn't easy at all. I SHOULD BE PATIENT!hahaha

3. Then, i start to choose the color for every object. i like this part!!but it wasn't easy too because we should know and differentiate what is the focus part in our illustration.

4. Last step, DETAILING!! this part also not easy at all. we should put some textures for certain objects, controlling the focus area by using opacity an soooo oooonn. the most important one, we have to be full concentrated in doing this step. and after spending a lot of times for this exercise, i finished it today :D actually it took three days for doing this exercise. because sometimes, i felt saturated and choose to do the other things :P

and here they are....the final illustrations :)

using some texture for certain objects and put detailing inside the illustration really works right? :)

i know maybe my artworks don't look nice for some of you

different people, different opinion, right? hehehehe

i just want to share some of my artworks here

"knowledge is never ending"

yessssss!!i have to learn more and more and more and moreeeeeee

hopefully i will getting better and better as the time goes by :)

another disappointment

it has already 3.30am and i still can't sleep
suddenly i remember about the disappointment to some of my friends
i know there is no perfect friendship in this world, but reminding that incident, still makes me feel hurt yet disappointed
the fact that you have to act that you're ok but actually you're not ok
the fact that you have to act like you don't care but deep down it hurts
you forced to smile so they will think nothing's happened to you however it's not true
it's all because i don't want them to think if i'm that weak!

no one realized, no one understands, and no one cares..

i know everyone does't want to be in my position at that time, but how come they don't care when i was in that position?just because i don't complain so they think if i'm ok?
i don't mind to yield, but how many times that i should yield to them?
i want to complain too
but i just can't say what i really feel easily.yes, this is me..
so back to that phrase "no one realized, no one understands, no one cares, and no one knows me"

hope i will forget that incident as soon as possible
life goes on and i've got a lot of lessons from this disappointment
like someone said, "sometimes, ignorance is a bliss"

disappoinment

now i have already known the truth
actually you don't have to lie from the beginning
it's ok to say the truth
i won't judge you by the way
i will try to understand
you know what?
you are the one who has said to me
"don't ever lie to your feeling.because pretending that you're ok when actually you aren't, is the worst feeling ever"
such a disappointment why you don't say the truth from the beginning
and such a disappointment that you don't say the truth by yourself
we are a good friend right?
nothing that should be hidden from me hahahahaha
but it's your choice not to tell this to me
just remember, i will always hope and pray the best for you, friend :)

Become Closer Become Harder

Become closer means become harder. agree or not?

Sometimes when you have someone who is very close to you is one of the good things that happens in your life, right?

You can share your problems to them..

Doing everything together..

Nothing that shouldn't be hide in front of them..

But in the other side,

Have you ever think "when you become closer it can become harder too?"

You can't tell your feeling directly..

You can't tell what do you actually feel about them..

You are too much thinking in what you have to say to them because it has to be in the right way..

Sometimes you have to lie and can't say the truth about your feeling..

Why?

It's because you are too care to them..

You don't want to make them feel disappointed to you..

You are too scared of ruining your relationship that have been built well between you and them..

So, you start thinking "it's better left unsaid then" 

However in the deep of your heart you really want to say all the things that have been stayed in your mind for a long time..

Do you know why you are willing to endure your "true" feelings?

The answer is simple..

Everybody has their own place in your heart and someone who is closer to you has more special place

The closer the person to you, the more special place that they have

It makes you don't mind to sacrifice and endure your feelings just for them

Because for you, their feelings is more important than yours

Something that should be easy to say become harder than it should be because you have already known each other for a long time

So, is it true if become closer can become harder?

2011 memories :D

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL :D
time flies so fast yaa!!super duper cepat uda setaun lagii
2011 was a year that so many ups and downs hahaha
sekarang saya mau cerita2 tentang 2011 memories...

JANUARY
yaaa di bulan ini inget pisan pas tanggal 6januari, tanggal dimana saya dkasi tau keterima sekola di sg wahahha. awal 2011 aja uda super nyenengin! di bulan ini juga saya memutuskan untuk berenti les pelajaran, pokonya rencanya mau berjuang sendiri di IPA tanpa les wkwkwk. udah optimis bisa, ehh lama kelamaan semakin terasa berat wkwk. ohhh terus sibuk latian polo buat sweet jejes!! tiap pulang sekola langsung latian sampe malem. tapi super rame! bolos sekola bareng2 demi sweet yang ujung2nya dipanggil guru haha. terus nginep bareng di ASTON pake kamar connecting door dan lain lain :D

FEBUARY
valentine day!!hahaha ini juga berkesan, tp bukan berkesan sama cowo :p waktu valentine day inget pisan kalo xib satu2nya kelas xi yang kepilih buat bikin stand!padahal kita cuma pake tema game alay bwahaha. da emang ini kelas alay pisan.pulang sekola dekor bareng2 dengan budget seadanya. pake kertas ngejreng2, pokonya super alay lah ini. kayanya gagara itu satu angkatan tau kalo xib itu kelas alay lol tp KOMPAK!

MARET
i used dental brackets for the first time B) hahaha pertama kali pake kawat buat ngebetulin gigi yang sedikit miring :P awalnya super aneh. kaya ada yang ganjel, uda gitu makan jadi nyelip2. seminggu sekali ke dokter gigi err super ribet haha. terus di bulan ini paling kejadian telepon tiba2 kali ya haha. ya pokonya mah tiba2 ngobrol di telepon karena suatu ketidaksengajaan dengan seseorang yang sudah sangat lama kenal :) *gausa dibahas detail* hahaha

APRIL
main ke sg sama teman2!!hahaha. ceritanya dalam rangka sweet 17th si alin :) pergi ber 16 kalo ga salah terus semuanya uda disedian. tinggal tau pergi dan bersenang2 LOL thank you alin :D terus main bareng ke universal!!kayanya pertama kali juga kesana pas itu. walopun sempet sedikit konflik tp semuanya rame2 aja haha. i think it was my first time to go abroad with my friends :D ohyaa!!kalo ga salah bulan ini juga saya masuk les lagi bareng kk sama robby haha abis di ipa nilai lsg menurun wkwkwk

MEI
malem2 jam 12 ke rumah sheren!!hahaha terus pertama kalinya dipanggil guru BK. yaa ga diapa2in si cuma dibilangin nilainya kenapa jadi turun LOL mungkin karena faktor mau k sg jadi belajarpun uda ga seniat dulu :P tapi itu pengalaman yang bener2 bikin shock. abis biasa ga pernah dipanggil k BK baru pertama kali sepanjang sekola dipanggil gagara nilai hahaha.tapi berkesan wahaha
terus jamannya latian polo chele!!ini lebi super padet latiannya. bisa sampe jam 10 malem. kalo besok ada ulangan kadang bisa sambil belajar di tempat latian. pas nganggur lsg belajar wkwkw nasib anak ipa -.- tapi sweet nya juga super sukses :D thank you chelee hahaha. ketemu vj utt, christian bautista sama mario maureer di bulan ini. im so happy can be a polonaise dancer in one of the biggest sweet 17th party ever :D

JUNI
hari2 terakir belajar di sekola tiba2 mau nangis wakaka. nangis gagara tegang kimia sama sedih juga pada pisah.konyol daa hahaha. eh tapi semua sudah terlewati dengan baik :) ohh teruss ada acara maen ke vila gabungan xe sama xib di villa kayu. ini juga rame!!ada kejadian yang bikin saya ketawa sampe nangis hahaha. sekarang juga kalo di inget2 masih suka senyum2 sendiri. sesi curhat di malem hari, sampe ada sesi curhat tambahan LOL. tidur paling akhir sama si KK gagara galau smpe jam 5 subuh haha. kayanya juni itu bulan galau :P

JULI
waktu ke sg semakin dekat!!hahaha. yang berkesan sweet kali ya? i have already told the story in another post hahaha. terus tepat tanggal 10 july i left indonesia :D hahaha ga gitu galau sii. abis kan pergi juga bareng temen2 laen ber 10. itu juga berkesan!! maen2 bareng di sg so it was my second time to go abroad with my friends :D hahaha. jaman2nya orientasi!!pertamanya deg2an ehh tapi rame2 ajaa.terus ada nafa outing, kenalan sama temen2 baruuu. hmm apalagi ya?menggalau di ion mungkin ya sama ivan dan ray wwkkwk sampe malem galau teruss LOL

AGUSTUS
FOA di ACS!!hahaha uda lama pisan ga ke acs jadi begitu kesana asa nostalgia LSS :) ceritanya nonton si ray perform nyanyi wkwk. itu kaya performing art gitu sii. malem2 galau lagii di wendy's itu sampe jam 11 malem -.-haha terus ada outing sama IEC!! :D kenalan juga sama anak2 gereja. kepanasan di sentosa tp ramee. di bulan ini juga saya masuk kuliah pertama kalinya!! masuk kelas 1d,orang indo cuma b5 tapi okelahh langsung bs berteman sm yg lain hahah

SEPTEMBER
tentang kuliah si rasanya semua baik2 saja wkwkwk. hmm september t kayanya awal suatu kejadian dimulai wkwk. tiba2 semuanya jadi kaya 3 taun lalu ._. hahaha tapi ya mikirnya biasa aja sihh. mungkin cuma kembali buat waktu yang sementara. ohh terus paling jaman2nya srg pgi maiin pokonya bulan september awal semuanya dimulai wkwk mungkin diulang lebih pas LOL
terus KERJA!!hahaha pertama kali jadi pegawe part time di THAI EXPRESS as a waiter haha

OKTOBER
kejadiannya masih terus berlangsung sampe bulan ini hahaha. tapi tetep aja mikirnya mungkin cuma sementara juga. ga akan lebih dari 3 bulan daa :P laluu perjuangan buat ISP alias tugas akhir wkwk.jaman2nya submission juga!jadi tidur malam tidur malam yaa ga malem2 jg sii gw mah da masi sempet tdr siang LOL

NOVEMBER
ini bulan yang paling bikin naik turun!!awal2 super galau. feeling ga akan lama mulai kerasa benar wkwk tapi ga sampe gimana2 sihh udanya biasa lagii hahaha.ehh tiba2 mood nya jadi baik lagi wkwk bener2 dibikin naik turun. mulai dari sekola, temen, yahh pokonya banyaklah haha.tapi makin akir makin jadi lebih baik :) bulan ini t akirnya makan sour sally lagi stelah sekian lama!terimakasih untuk traktirannya wkwkwk
terus ISP BERES!!!tinggal nunggu libur, kerjanya nonton running man terusss hahaha

DESEMBER
bulan terakiirrr :) ehh ternyata kejadiannya masih juga sampe sekarang wakaka. ternyata perkiraan gw salah tapi ttp aja masih ada yang dipikirin haha. tapi seneng sii. bulan ini juga saya kembali ke tanah air!!hahaha dijemput sama temen2 terus tiap hari 3minggu ampir pegi maen terusss.dijemput sama erik terus jemput yang lain terus aja pergi main haha. main k skola cm sekali si. paling sering ke hyper sampe 6x!! terus bsm pokonya ampir smua tempat pegi haha. maen juga ampir tiap harii. terus ada villa part 2 B) walopun ga serame dulu orgnya tapi ttp acaranya mah RAME!! sampe ga kerasa kalo liburan udahan -.- ohh jadi "usher import" di gereja bareng kevin dan ivan hahaha. taun baru waktu itu di sg sama keluarga :)
and last, my result is more than i expected hahaha :D

yaaa pokonya saya senang sama taun 2011 :D
ada yang bikin euforia, galau, sedih, panik, stress, pokonya campur2 lah semua jugaa. taun dimana saya berusaha buat jadi lebih dewasa. taun dimana saya belajar hidup mandiri dan adaptasi sama lingkungan baru, taun dimana saya nemu banyak temen baru, taun dimana saya belajar buat ga ber ekspektasi terlalu tinggi sama cinta wahahah pokonya banyak banget pelajaran yang bisa diambil dari taun ini

terimakasih buat berkat Tuhan selama satu taun yang bisa dilewati dengan baik wahahha
terimakasih buat teman2 yang udah bareng2 ngabisin waktu dan ngebuat satu taun ini jadi taun yang berkesan, terimakasih buat orang yang bikin saya senang pokonya terimakasih terimakasih :D

i love 2011 <3

T.I.R.E.D

this month i always sleep after 2a.m almost everyday
i don't know why november always not so good to me
a lot of thoughts always come before i'm going to sleep
actually i don't know what exactly i was thinking about
everything just comes out every night and make myself feel so hard to close my eyes and sleep

i guess i'm just tired..
tired of the situation that always make me can't sleep at the right time
tired of being tired, not because of my final school project, it's because i'm tired so i can't think clearly, it is so disturbing and i'm scared i can't get through this well
tired of pretending that i'm alright, but i don't like to show this to the people. i don't want when people see me they know if i have a problem. i don't like being asked "what happen" because they just pretend to care, they don't really care
tired of taking a pity to myself. i care too much to other people feeling until i forget if i have a feeling that want to be cared by others too :')

it makes me hate myself..
i hate myself who pretend to be strong when actually i'm not
i hate myself who can't talk and show my feeling in front of the others easily
i hate myself who just can write all my feeling on this blog
i hate myself who aren't strong enough to face all my problems by myself
i hate myself who always ask God to accompany me when i can't sleep

sorry God i bother You every night..
but i need Your strength to face all this things..

single vs relationship

hmm mungkin itu topik yang paling membingungkan buat dibahas..
gatau kenapa tiba2 pengen nge post tentang ini mungkin lagi galau juga kali ya :p

bisa dibilang saya orang yang tidak berpengalaman dalam masalah pacaran
belum pernah loo ._. tapi saya cukup bangga dan sedih haha
tapi emang dulu dari smp sampe sma emang gamau dulu soalnya belum merasa waktunya
sekarang udah kuliah dan udah 17 kadang pengen tau gimana rasanya
pengen tau gimana rasanya dicariin tiap hari, dianter jemput, malem minggu pergi bareng dll
kalo denger cerita temen2 saya kayanya rameee banget
deket dan pacaran itu beda katanya..

dari smp sampe sma paling pernahnya deket sama cowo
yang paling berkesan pas waktu sma, mungkin itu uda masuk ke tahap yang agak serius
ga cinta2 monyet kaya pas smp hahaha
tapi udahnya juga kandas di tengah jalan LOL cuma deket beberapa bulan
lumayan lama si deketnya, tapi karena suatu masalah *eis* yauda udahan..

tapi sebenernya kalo dipikir2 lagi, pacaran sekarang juga belum tentu kuat sampe nanti, jadi kaya gimana ya?
buat apa pacaran sekarang kalau nanti ujung2nya putus juga? ._.
lagian saya merasa cowo seumuran saya sekarang ini ga pada serius, ya walopun ga semua sii tapi bicara secara umum aja
kadang ngeliat temen2 saya kaya yang gampang buat dapet pacar, putus, dapet lagi yang laen..hmmm kenapa buat saya susah yaaa :(

kalau boleh pilih, saya lebih milih deket sama orang daripada terikat dalam suatu hubungan. tapi harus sama2 ada komitmen juga. tapi justru disitu susahnyaa
kalau ga terikat dengan suatu hubungan, makin banyak masalah yang mungkin terjadi haha
lagian komitmen sama kepercayaannya harus bener bener serius soalnya ga ada status
eh tapi jangan juga deh kaya gitu, beresiko tinggi!

yaa kadang suka galau liat orang laen punya orang yang bisa diandalin kalo ada apa2, ada orang yang selalu stand by kalo perlu apa2, yang bisa nemenin, care dan lain lain pokonya membuat kita merasa jadi orang yang paling penting dan diperlukan :D
ngeliat orang pacaran kalo malem minggu pergi bareng, saya disini?paling online dan diem di rumah LOL
dulu si bisa pergi bareng temen2 senasib lainnya haha, seudah pindah kesini jadi makin kerasa sepi. mungkin karena lingkungan baru juga jadi kerasa beda aja kalo pergi bareng temen juga ._. ga serame pergi bareng temen2 di indo..

yahhh sekarang saya harus belajar sabar..
sabar menunggu orang yang tepat yang udah Tuhan siapin :)
gatau kapan dan dimana tapi suatu saat pasti saya ketemu sama "dia" haha

the boy and the girl

hello i'm back :)

this post is dedicated to a boy who plays with a girl's heart, hope you will get a lesson from this story because it really hurts to know if you just play with it!

here the story is..

there is a girl and a boy who are friends for a long time. the boy always tells and shares his problems to the girl and sometimes the boy also really cares to the girl. when we see from people's vision, they will think they aren't just friends but they are more than friends. as the time goes by, they become closer and closer. the girl starts to fall for the boy because you know what?it's normal for a girl to fall for someone that really cares to her.

then suddenly, the boy changed, he becomes a person who never know the girl, akward conversation and so on. the girl just keep wondering what has happened but she is too scared to ask. do you know what actually happened?the boy has felt in love with another girl and he never tell this to the girl (his friend). it makes the girl very disappointed and broken hearted. the girl thinks the boy never fall in love to her, she felt like an idiot who thinks the boy also like her. and the girl start to change her mind.it needs quite a long time to change her mind which is "he is just friend and never fall to me" the girl keep pretending like nothing has happened to her. she still had a good relationship with the boy as a "friend"

times goes by, life goes on, the boy still text the girl if he has a fight with his girl friend and the girl always be there to listen all his problems. every time the boy felt alone and contact her, she always stand by to hear what the boy said. few years later the boy broke up with his girl friend and it makes the boy feels alone for some times

as usual, the boy start contacting the girl again and they become closer and closer even much more closer than before. they have hang out together and the boy also deliver the girl to her house however it is very far from his house,maybe he just try to be a gentleman. the girl is too scared to fall again, she scared everything will be the same as before and she doesn't want to fall to the same hole TWICE. both of them almost text each other everyday for about two months.but "we can't close our heart to the things that we don't want to feel" so the girl try to open her heart and forget about the past. but in the third month, the boy change again. suddenly there is no communication whatsoever. and someone said the boy has already closer with another girl and they seem like each other.

from this story, does the boy only take the girl for granted?he never know what the girl's feel because the girl also never show it. it's like the boy plays with her heart without knowing what actually has happened. he just calls the girl when he needed something. actually the girl want to said everything about how it feels and what is in her mind, but she scared it will ruin everything.

we don't know what will happen later, but one thing that we should remember, karma is really does exist. and for the boy who read this post, first : don't ever taking the girl for granted. when she always there for you, you must be thankful for that! second : don't make the girl fall for you if you don't want to catch her and third : don't bring the girl too high if in the end you just drop her from that highest place because it really feels hurt :')

*the story is just a fiction from my friend's experience :D

goodbye 16th welcome 17th

ga kerasa pisan sekarang udah 17 lagiii!! tapi tetep aja badan masi kecil wkwk semuanya sudah berubah asanya.2 hari lagi bakal ke sg,ga sma lagi waktu bener2 asa cepet pisaaaan!!!
birthday taun ini lumayan berkesaaan hahaha
ya malem2 pd ngucapin aja gituu,yang pertama heizel dengan waktu singapore wkwk kalo pake jam indo yang pertama deiver terus lanjut sheren terus kk terus yang laiiin

uda gitu dari pagi sampe siang asa biasa aja. plain day --" pas jam 3an pergi ke dokter gigi buat kontrol dari situ mulai sedikit aneh si, si papa asa smsan terus mulai curiga tp ya bysa aja da asa ga mungkin temen2 pada ke rumah. di jalan pulang candra sms "pin sry gabisa ikut,g tadi nuker dolar" wkwkwwk mulai curigaaa tp da mikir siapa tau gajadi.terus ada tetangga ngasi wall "ehh dibanjur sama temen2 ya?" mulai tambah curiga tp ya udalah i don't want to expect too much :)

sesampainya di rumah, ya gitu aja sepi ga ada tanda2 tiba2 dr loteng atas semua pada teriak2 nyanyi happy birthday hahaha.terus ditumpahin kertas,kamar dihiasin sangat tidak menyangka.kayanya itu ulang taun pertama gw yang dikasi surprise. sedih ya?hahaha tapi sekarang senang :D ada nanut, jejes, sheren, devi, sasa, mimil, rina, moje, cing2, nyo2, lala, angga, kk, wilton, robby, erik!! ga nyangka aja pada dateng da rumah mereka lumayan pada jauh2. ternyata uda kompakan sama bobby dan si papa.

ya terimakasih ajaaa ulang taun kali ini berkesan!!ulang taun terakir di bandung sebelom k sg aaaaa tapi ada satu hal yang bikin sedikit kecewa hahaha.as the same as last year,someone who i think will congratulate me didn't do that haha.bukan ga ngelakuin juga sii,ngelakuin di saat2 terakir tp teh kaya ga niat wkwkwk gatau juga si yaaa.padahal taun lalu lebih baik,tp i have to graceful in whatever that happened today!

i hope this year will be a better year for my life!in study,in friendship and in my love life.thanks God you has given me one more year to be a better person. love you all :D

friends :)

21 days to go. actually i don't know i feel happy or sad. time flies so fast huh?21 days more i will be in singapore to further my study. i know this is what i want but it seems so hard to leave my friends here :( i think i'm strong enough to face this, but i can't pretend that i'm alright. i just try to hide ehat i feel inside. there are too many memories which are so hard to forget, thanks God you give me a lot of incredible friends here.i want to make some lists about all my friends :

1. sheren, devi, jejes, nanut, cing2
yess!! there are my best friends ever!we have done a lot of things together. we laugh, we smile, we fight, we cry :) since in the junior high school until now, however we weren't in the same class we still best friendsand i hope until the end of time we are still best friends :) with cing2, she is my best friend since i was in kindergarten :D

sheren, nanut, me, jejes, devi :)

let's continue the list....
people said that senior high school is the best time to make a lot of memories and i 100% agree with that opinion. in senior high school, i went to a lot of incredible sweet 17th parties and had a chance to be the polonaise dancers. first in jessica's party it was really fun and i really enjoyed the party maybe it's because the other polonaise dancers and jessica are my best friends!!

only the girls :)

then the other incredible sweet 17th party is chelsea!!!in her birthday party, she invited some actors who are very handsome lol and they are christian bautista, mario maureer and then VJ UTT!! luckily i can took a photo with vj utt it because i stood beside him when we were in the stage.thanks chelee for the chance that you gave to me!

vj utt and i :D

the polonaise and the others :)

the other memories, in senior high school i could go anywhere easily.the picked me up and drove me home lol thanks to erik and baso who always did that to me.in senior high school too i met a lot of friends fro xe and xib, the best class ever!!!

2. XE
first, we didn't know each other but as the time goes by, we became closer. in this class i met so many friends who taught me a lot of new things. hanging out together, celebrating our birthday every months, and doing bbq 2 times. we spent a night in mimil's house and chele's villa together then sharing our problems. alin,chele,mimil we met in this class and we became best friends right?we made "gubuk cinta" and shared all of our problems whereas we didn't know each other in the first time.i also met KK who sat beside me for 6 months, erik, jambi, angga, yoyong, sam, ricky, lala, maggie, sasa, stacey, dian etc. we had spent many times for fun together :)

chele, mimil, alin and i :)

lovely XE :D

3. XIB
the best class ever!!!and i really love every single thing about this class. thanks to devi, mimil, stacey, moje, rina, cibo, amel, cae, fey who were being my best female friends in this class. i spent a whole year and sat with devi. we had done a lot of things together. then my basketball team in this class ; mimil, amel, fey, moje, stacey!! we have won a lot of class competitions!! and thanks to my best male friends too. franz, joseph, candra. i never foget when you said "my name is josephine and my hobby is angry" then you said my face look like our english teacher,mam hanna zzzz all of you taught me to become a patient person, sometimes i feel mad to all of you but then i realized it was unforgetable memory from you guys :) then thanks to baso, erik, angga, mue, yoyo, godz, lauren, batok. all of you are GREAT!!in xib we went to lampung and sang our song "i am in misery OHYEAH!! lol we decorate our alay class for valentine day. when porak, we painted our face with red and white ink.we went to pvj and watching black death, suckseed, and sanctum. and the other memories when the last day we studied together, i cried :( i don't know why, i just thought that "i will miss all the moments here"

xib in lampung :)

thanks for all your careness and all of you have accompanied and gave me some encouragement for me, time flies so FAST and i am not ready to say goodbye. but i know, all of us take different paths in life but no matter where we go, we are still FRIENDS FOREVER :')

"Eleven Hints for Life"

1. It's hurt to love someone and not be loved in return.
But what is more painful is to love someone and never
find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who
means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was
never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a
porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an
hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it
takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you
smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day
seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,
be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and
one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it
hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck
a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may
heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best
of everything they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with
a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

- Unknown