disappoinment

now i have already known the truth
actually you don't have to lie from the beginning
it's ok to say the truth
i won't judge you by the way
i will try to understand
you know what?
you are the one who has said to me
"don't ever lie to your feeling.because pretending that you're ok when actually you aren't, is the worst feeling ever"
such a disappointment why you don't say the truth from the beginning
and such a disappointment that you don't say the truth by yourself
we are a good friend right?
nothing that should be hidden from me hahahahaha
but it's your choice not to tell this to me
just remember, i will always hope and pray the best for you, friend :)

Become Closer Become Harder

Become closer means become harder. agree or not?

Sometimes when you have someone who is very close to you is one of the good things that happens in your life, right?

You can share your problems to them..

Doing everything together..

Nothing that shouldn't be hide in front of them..

But in the other side,

Have you ever think "when you become closer it can become harder too?"

You can't tell your feeling directly..

You can't tell what do you actually feel about them..

You are too much thinking in what you have to say to them because it has to be in the right way..

Sometimes you have to lie and can't say the truth about your feeling..

Why?

It's because you are too care to them..

You don't want to make them feel disappointed to you..

You are too scared of ruining your relationship that have been built well between you and them..

So, you start thinking "it's better left unsaid then" 

However in the deep of your heart you really want to say all the things that have been stayed in your mind for a long time..

Do you know why you are willing to endure your "true" feelings?

The answer is simple..

Everybody has their own place in your heart and someone who is closer to you has more special place

The closer the person to you, the more special place that they have

It makes you don't mind to sacrifice and endure your feelings just for them

Because for you, their feelings is more important than yours

Something that should be easy to say become harder than it should be because you have already known each other for a long time

So, is it true if become closer can become harder?

2011 memories :D

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL :D
time flies so fast yaa!!super duper cepat uda setaun lagii
2011 was a year that so many ups and downs hahaha
sekarang saya mau cerita2 tentang 2011 memories...

JANUARY
yaaa di bulan ini inget pisan pas tanggal 6januari, tanggal dimana saya dkasi tau keterima sekola di sg wahahha. awal 2011 aja uda super nyenengin! di bulan ini juga saya memutuskan untuk berenti les pelajaran, pokonya rencanya mau berjuang sendiri di IPA tanpa les wkwkwk. udah optimis bisa, ehh lama kelamaan semakin terasa berat wkwk. ohhh terus sibuk latian polo buat sweet jejes!! tiap pulang sekola langsung latian sampe malem. tapi super rame! bolos sekola bareng2 demi sweet yang ujung2nya dipanggil guru haha. terus nginep bareng di ASTON pake kamar connecting door dan lain lain :D

FEBUARY
valentine day!!hahaha ini juga berkesan, tp bukan berkesan sama cowo :p waktu valentine day inget pisan kalo xib satu2nya kelas xi yang kepilih buat bikin stand!padahal kita cuma pake tema game alay bwahaha. da emang ini kelas alay pisan.pulang sekola dekor bareng2 dengan budget seadanya. pake kertas ngejreng2, pokonya super alay lah ini. kayanya gagara itu satu angkatan tau kalo xib itu kelas alay lol tp KOMPAK!

MARET
i used dental brackets for the first time B) hahaha pertama kali pake kawat buat ngebetulin gigi yang sedikit miring :P awalnya super aneh. kaya ada yang ganjel, uda gitu makan jadi nyelip2. seminggu sekali ke dokter gigi err super ribet haha. terus di bulan ini paling kejadian telepon tiba2 kali ya haha. ya pokonya mah tiba2 ngobrol di telepon karena suatu ketidaksengajaan dengan seseorang yang sudah sangat lama kenal :) *gausa dibahas detail* hahaha

APRIL
main ke sg sama teman2!!hahaha. ceritanya dalam rangka sweet 17th si alin :) pergi ber 16 kalo ga salah terus semuanya uda disedian. tinggal tau pergi dan bersenang2 LOL thank you alin :D terus main bareng ke universal!!kayanya pertama kali juga kesana pas itu. walopun sempet sedikit konflik tp semuanya rame2 aja haha. i think it was my first time to go abroad with my friends :D ohyaa!!kalo ga salah bulan ini juga saya masuk les lagi bareng kk sama robby haha abis di ipa nilai lsg menurun wkwkwk

MEI
malem2 jam 12 ke rumah sheren!!hahaha terus pertama kalinya dipanggil guru BK. yaa ga diapa2in si cuma dibilangin nilainya kenapa jadi turun LOL mungkin karena faktor mau k sg jadi belajarpun uda ga seniat dulu :P tapi itu pengalaman yang bener2 bikin shock. abis biasa ga pernah dipanggil k BK baru pertama kali sepanjang sekola dipanggil gagara nilai hahaha.tapi berkesan wahaha
terus jamannya latian polo chele!!ini lebi super padet latiannya. bisa sampe jam 10 malem. kalo besok ada ulangan kadang bisa sambil belajar di tempat latian. pas nganggur lsg belajar wkwkw nasib anak ipa -.- tapi sweet nya juga super sukses :D thank you chelee hahaha. ketemu vj utt, christian bautista sama mario maureer di bulan ini. im so happy can be a polonaise dancer in one of the biggest sweet 17th party ever :D

JUNI
hari2 terakir belajar di sekola tiba2 mau nangis wakaka. nangis gagara tegang kimia sama sedih juga pada pisah.konyol daa hahaha. eh tapi semua sudah terlewati dengan baik :) ohh teruss ada acara maen ke vila gabungan xe sama xib di villa kayu. ini juga rame!!ada kejadian yang bikin saya ketawa sampe nangis hahaha. sekarang juga kalo di inget2 masih suka senyum2 sendiri. sesi curhat di malem hari, sampe ada sesi curhat tambahan LOL. tidur paling akhir sama si KK gagara galau smpe jam 5 subuh haha. kayanya juni itu bulan galau :P

JULI
waktu ke sg semakin dekat!!hahaha. yang berkesan sweet kali ya? i have already told the story in another post hahaha. terus tepat tanggal 10 july i left indonesia :D hahaha ga gitu galau sii. abis kan pergi juga bareng temen2 laen ber 10. itu juga berkesan!! maen2 bareng di sg so it was my second time to go abroad with my friends :D hahaha. jaman2nya orientasi!!pertamanya deg2an ehh tapi rame2 ajaa.terus ada nafa outing, kenalan sama temen2 baruuu. hmm apalagi ya?menggalau di ion mungkin ya sama ivan dan ray wwkkwk sampe malem galau teruss LOL

AGUSTUS
FOA di ACS!!hahaha uda lama pisan ga ke acs jadi begitu kesana asa nostalgia LSS :) ceritanya nonton si ray perform nyanyi wkwk. itu kaya performing art gitu sii. malem2 galau lagii di wendy's itu sampe jam 11 malem -.-haha terus ada outing sama IEC!! :D kenalan juga sama anak2 gereja. kepanasan di sentosa tp ramee. di bulan ini juga saya masuk kuliah pertama kalinya!! masuk kelas 1d,orang indo cuma b5 tapi okelahh langsung bs berteman sm yg lain hahah

SEPTEMBER
tentang kuliah si rasanya semua baik2 saja wkwkwk. hmm september t kayanya awal suatu kejadian dimulai wkwk. tiba2 semuanya jadi kaya 3 taun lalu ._. hahaha tapi ya mikirnya biasa aja sihh. mungkin cuma kembali buat waktu yang sementara. ohh terus paling jaman2nya srg pgi maiin pokonya bulan september awal semuanya dimulai wkwk mungkin diulang lebih pas LOL
terus KERJA!!hahaha pertama kali jadi pegawe part time di THAI EXPRESS as a waiter haha

OKTOBER
kejadiannya masih terus berlangsung sampe bulan ini hahaha. tapi tetep aja mikirnya mungkin cuma sementara juga. ga akan lebih dari 3 bulan daa :P laluu perjuangan buat ISP alias tugas akhir wkwk.jaman2nya submission juga!jadi tidur malam tidur malam yaa ga malem2 jg sii gw mah da masi sempet tdr siang LOL

NOVEMBER
ini bulan yang paling bikin naik turun!!awal2 super galau. feeling ga akan lama mulai kerasa benar wkwk tapi ga sampe gimana2 sihh udanya biasa lagii hahaha.ehh tiba2 mood nya jadi baik lagi wkwk bener2 dibikin naik turun. mulai dari sekola, temen, yahh pokonya banyaklah haha.tapi makin akir makin jadi lebih baik :) bulan ini t akirnya makan sour sally lagi stelah sekian lama!terimakasih untuk traktirannya wkwkwk
terus ISP BERES!!!tinggal nunggu libur, kerjanya nonton running man terusss hahaha

DESEMBER
bulan terakiirrr :) ehh ternyata kejadiannya masih juga sampe sekarang wakaka. ternyata perkiraan gw salah tapi ttp aja masih ada yang dipikirin haha. tapi seneng sii. bulan ini juga saya kembali ke tanah air!!hahaha dijemput sama temen2 terus tiap hari 3minggu ampir pegi maen terusss.dijemput sama erik terus jemput yang lain terus aja pergi main haha. main k skola cm sekali si. paling sering ke hyper sampe 6x!! terus bsm pokonya ampir smua tempat pegi haha. maen juga ampir tiap harii. terus ada villa part 2 B) walopun ga serame dulu orgnya tapi ttp acaranya mah RAME!! sampe ga kerasa kalo liburan udahan -.- ohh jadi "usher import" di gereja bareng kevin dan ivan hahaha. taun baru waktu itu di sg sama keluarga :)
and last, my result is more than i expected hahaha :D

yaaa pokonya saya senang sama taun 2011 :D
ada yang bikin euforia, galau, sedih, panik, stress, pokonya campur2 lah semua jugaa. taun dimana saya berusaha buat jadi lebih dewasa. taun dimana saya belajar hidup mandiri dan adaptasi sama lingkungan baru, taun dimana saya nemu banyak temen baru, taun dimana saya belajar buat ga ber ekspektasi terlalu tinggi sama cinta wahahah pokonya banyak banget pelajaran yang bisa diambil dari taun ini

terimakasih buat berkat Tuhan selama satu taun yang bisa dilewati dengan baik wahahha
terimakasih buat teman2 yang udah bareng2 ngabisin waktu dan ngebuat satu taun ini jadi taun yang berkesan, terimakasih buat orang yang bikin saya senang pokonya terimakasih terimakasih :D

i love 2011 <3

T.I.R.E.D

this month i always sleep after 2a.m almost everyday
i don't know why november always not so good to me
a lot of thoughts always come before i'm going to sleep
actually i don't know what exactly i was thinking about
everything just comes out every night and make myself feel so hard to close my eyes and sleep

i guess i'm just tired..
tired of the situation that always make me can't sleep at the right time
tired of being tired, not because of my final school project, it's because i'm tired so i can't think clearly, it is so disturbing and i'm scared i can't get through this well
tired of pretending that i'm alright, but i don't like to show this to the people. i don't want when people see me they know if i have a problem. i don't like being asked "what happen" because they just pretend to care, they don't really care
tired of taking a pity to myself. i care too much to other people feeling until i forget if i have a feeling that want to be cared by others too :')

it makes me hate myself..
i hate myself who pretend to be strong when actually i'm not
i hate myself who can't talk and show my feeling in front of the others easily
i hate myself who just can write all my feeling on this blog
i hate myself who aren't strong enough to face all my problems by myself
i hate myself who always ask God to accompany me when i can't sleep

sorry God i bother You every night..
but i need Your strength to face all this things..

single vs relationship

hmm mungkin itu topik yang paling membingungkan buat dibahas..
gatau kenapa tiba2 pengen nge post tentang ini mungkin lagi galau juga kali ya :p

bisa dibilang saya orang yang tidak berpengalaman dalam masalah pacaran
belum pernah loo ._. tapi saya cukup bangga dan sedih haha
tapi emang dulu dari smp sampe sma emang gamau dulu soalnya belum merasa waktunya
sekarang udah kuliah dan udah 17 kadang pengen tau gimana rasanya
pengen tau gimana rasanya dicariin tiap hari, dianter jemput, malem minggu pergi bareng dll
kalo denger cerita temen2 saya kayanya rameee banget
deket dan pacaran itu beda katanya..

dari smp sampe sma paling pernahnya deket sama cowo
yang paling berkesan pas waktu sma, mungkin itu uda masuk ke tahap yang agak serius
ga cinta2 monyet kaya pas smp hahaha
tapi udahnya juga kandas di tengah jalan LOL cuma deket beberapa bulan
lumayan lama si deketnya, tapi karena suatu masalah *eis* yauda udahan..

tapi sebenernya kalo dipikir2 lagi, pacaran sekarang juga belum tentu kuat sampe nanti, jadi kaya gimana ya?
buat apa pacaran sekarang kalau nanti ujung2nya putus juga? ._.
lagian saya merasa cowo seumuran saya sekarang ini ga pada serius, ya walopun ga semua sii tapi bicara secara umum aja
kadang ngeliat temen2 saya kaya yang gampang buat dapet pacar, putus, dapet lagi yang laen..hmmm kenapa buat saya susah yaaa :(

kalau boleh pilih, saya lebih milih deket sama orang daripada terikat dalam suatu hubungan. tapi harus sama2 ada komitmen juga. tapi justru disitu susahnyaa
kalau ga terikat dengan suatu hubungan, makin banyak masalah yang mungkin terjadi haha
lagian komitmen sama kepercayaannya harus bener bener serius soalnya ga ada status
eh tapi jangan juga deh kaya gitu, beresiko tinggi!

yaa kadang suka galau liat orang laen punya orang yang bisa diandalin kalo ada apa2, ada orang yang selalu stand by kalo perlu apa2, yang bisa nemenin, care dan lain lain pokonya membuat kita merasa jadi orang yang paling penting dan diperlukan :D
ngeliat orang pacaran kalo malem minggu pergi bareng, saya disini?paling online dan diem di rumah LOL
dulu si bisa pergi bareng temen2 senasib lainnya haha, seudah pindah kesini jadi makin kerasa sepi. mungkin karena lingkungan baru juga jadi kerasa beda aja kalo pergi bareng temen juga ._. ga serame pergi bareng temen2 di indo..

yahhh sekarang saya harus belajar sabar..
sabar menunggu orang yang tepat yang udah Tuhan siapin :)
gatau kapan dan dimana tapi suatu saat pasti saya ketemu sama "dia" haha

the boy and the girl

hello i'm back :)

this post is dedicated to a boy who plays with a girl's heart, hope you will get a lesson from this story because it really hurts to know if you just play with it!

here the story is..

there is a girl and a boy who are friends for a long time. the boy always tells and shares his problems to the girl and sometimes the boy also really cares to the girl. when we see from people's vision, they will think they aren't just friends but they are more than friends. as the time goes by, they become closer and closer. the girl starts to fall for the boy because you know what?it's normal for a girl to fall for someone that really cares to her.

then suddenly, the boy changed, he becomes a person who never know the girl, akward conversation and so on. the girl just keep wondering what has happened but she is too scared to ask. do you know what actually happened?the boy has felt in love with another girl and he never tell this to the girl (his friend). it makes the girl very disappointed and broken hearted. the girl thinks the boy never fall in love to her, she felt like an idiot who thinks the boy also like her. and the girl start to change her mind.it needs quite a long time to change her mind which is "he is just friend and never fall to me" the girl keep pretending like nothing has happened to her. she still had a good relationship with the boy as a "friend"

times goes by, life goes on, the boy still text the girl if he has a fight with his girl friend and the girl always be there to listen all his problems. every time the boy felt alone and contact her, she always stand by to hear what the boy said. few years later the boy broke up with his girl friend and it makes the boy feels alone for some times

as usual, the boy start contacting the girl again and they become closer and closer even much more closer than before. they have hang out together and the boy also deliver the girl to her house however it is very far from his house,maybe he just try to be a gentleman. the girl is too scared to fall again, she scared everything will be the same as before and she doesn't want to fall to the same hole TWICE. both of them almost text each other everyday for about two months.but "we can't close our heart to the things that we don't want to feel" so the girl try to open her heart and forget about the past. but in the third month, the boy change again. suddenly there is no communication whatsoever. and someone said the boy has already closer with another girl and they seem like each other.

from this story, does the boy only take the girl for granted?he never know what the girl's feel because the girl also never show it. it's like the boy plays with her heart without knowing what actually has happened. he just calls the girl when he needed something. actually the girl want to said everything about how it feels and what is in her mind, but she scared it will ruin everything.

we don't know what will happen later, but one thing that we should remember, karma is really does exist. and for the boy who read this post, first : don't ever taking the girl for granted. when she always there for you, you must be thankful for that! second : don't make the girl fall for you if you don't want to catch her and third : don't bring the girl too high if in the end you just drop her from that highest place because it really feels hurt :')

*the story is just a fiction from my friend's experience :D

goodbye 16th welcome 17th

ga kerasa pisan sekarang udah 17 lagiii!! tapi tetep aja badan masi kecil wkwk semuanya sudah berubah asanya.2 hari lagi bakal ke sg,ga sma lagi waktu bener2 asa cepet pisaaaan!!!
birthday taun ini lumayan berkesaaan hahaha
ya malem2 pd ngucapin aja gituu,yang pertama heizel dengan waktu singapore wkwk kalo pake jam indo yang pertama deiver terus lanjut sheren terus kk terus yang laiiin

uda gitu dari pagi sampe siang asa biasa aja. plain day --" pas jam 3an pergi ke dokter gigi buat kontrol dari situ mulai sedikit aneh si, si papa asa smsan terus mulai curiga tp ya bysa aja da asa ga mungkin temen2 pada ke rumah. di jalan pulang candra sms "pin sry gabisa ikut,g tadi nuker dolar" wkwkwwk mulai curigaaa tp da mikir siapa tau gajadi.terus ada tetangga ngasi wall "ehh dibanjur sama temen2 ya?" mulai tambah curiga tp ya udalah i don't want to expect too much :)

sesampainya di rumah, ya gitu aja sepi ga ada tanda2 tiba2 dr loteng atas semua pada teriak2 nyanyi happy birthday hahaha.terus ditumpahin kertas,kamar dihiasin sangat tidak menyangka.kayanya itu ulang taun pertama gw yang dikasi surprise. sedih ya?hahaha tapi sekarang senang :D ada nanut, jejes, sheren, devi, sasa, mimil, rina, moje, cing2, nyo2, lala, angga, kk, wilton, robby, erik!! ga nyangka aja pada dateng da rumah mereka lumayan pada jauh2. ternyata uda kompakan sama bobby dan si papa.

ya terimakasih ajaaa ulang taun kali ini berkesan!!ulang taun terakir di bandung sebelom k sg aaaaa tapi ada satu hal yang bikin sedikit kecewa hahaha.as the same as last year,someone who i think will congratulate me didn't do that haha.bukan ga ngelakuin juga sii,ngelakuin di saat2 terakir tp teh kaya ga niat wkwkwk gatau juga si yaaa.padahal taun lalu lebih baik,tp i have to graceful in whatever that happened today!

i hope this year will be a better year for my life!in study,in friendship and in my love life.thanks God you has given me one more year to be a better person. love you all :D