the day

Today is exactly the fifth month since that day, the day that I knew would come, the day that I was scared the most. Time flies, people change, so do you, the one who has been in my life for almost three years is no longer here anymore…

Long story I guess, and I don’t want to recall all the memories because I don’t want to open the wound anymore. Back to five years ago, it was hurt and I was scared when you came, suddenly you tried to heal the wound that you have left. I prayed for strength, slowly opening this fragile heart and you managed to enter it. You tried to fix it, and I was surprised that works, it really works for almost 3 years. No more pain, and I was glad you came to help me recover from the pains…

I thought everything will be different from that day, I thought it will be the end of the pains but I was wrong and too naïve. I trust too much, and I love too much. People say, you can’t guarantee someone to love you as much you did. I used to think, love covers everything, love will heal every pain. As long as you are being sincere and do it with all your heart, good things will happen to you. However, the important things that I forgot, love is a sacrifice and love hurts…

The day when you came, I agreed that was the best decision for us. We should improve ourselves, focus on our own goals, and be closer to God. I accept all the blames that you said to me. I knew what was my mistakes and yeap, it’s my fault, not able to be someone that you expect me to be. Then, in just a short time, you suddenly hit me again “indirectly”. You just open the wound easily while I'm still struggling to recover. It is too painful for me, too much tears that has come out until I can’t feel anything at all…

There are a lot of questions in my mind, but my heart is too tired to search the answers because it will just hurt my heart more and more. I don’t know if I actually have a right to be disappointed or not. Honestly, it just really hurts, more hurt than before, even the scars from the past come back and make the pains even worse...

All I can do is just pray. Pray for you, and pray for me. I believe God provides greater things ahead in my life. All these pains will be the song of joy according to His time. It’s really God who makes me able to face you. It’s really God who gives me strength so I still able to smile when I see you. It’s really God who knows how hurts the pains are. As much as I want to hate you, I just can’t because I know it won’t help me to heal the pain, and God also doesn't want me to hate you...

“One day tears will dry, scars will heal, heart will mend, and I will dance again.”

Try

If I walk would you run
If I stop would you come
If I say you’re the one would you believe me
If I ask you to stay would you show me the way
Tell me what to say so you don’t leave me
The world is catching up to you
while you're running away to chase your dream
Its time for us to make a move cause we are asking one another to change
and maybe im not ready

But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We’ve been hiding enough

If I sing you a song would you sing along
or wait till im gone , oh how we push and pull
If I give you my heart would you just play the part
or tell me it’s the start of something beautiful
Am I catching up to you
while you're running away , to chase your dreams
Its time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change
and maybe im not ready

But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We’ve been hiding enough

I will try for your love
I can hide up above

If I walk would you run
If I stop would you come
If I say you’re the one would you believe me

nuf said.

"friends"

Hello, it's been a long time i haven't update my blog! This semester is superrrrrrr tiring. A week before submission, i always sleep only 1-2 hours. But thanks God, it almost over, just left one more month for the last project then going for internship and it will be the end of sem 4 :D

Actually today is the last day of the submission for all the modules that i had and i realized if i became an "unsociable" person. Almost of my friends say that, especially my high school's friends. Not because i don't want to play with them, but i just can't manage my time well :(
Usually, we always go together at least on the weekend but when i have a free day, i went to thailand for educational trip with my school. So, it almost two months i didn't go with them.

Today, i skip going with my school mates and chose to go with my high school's friends. It was fun! And i enjoy going with them. But, it also made me think about something. I didn't know what they said and the story that they talked about hahaha. So, i just keep quite and listen them talking. It's ok for me, because i know it was my fault not to manage my time with them but i don't know why i felt sad too.

Then it made me think about the word "FRIENDS". I don't know who is my best friends yet hahaha maybe people judge me as an extrovert person, but they don't know the other side of myself :P i do have a lot of friends, and i close to some of them. But, are they my BEST FRIEND or my GOOD FRIEND? One of my friends told me if i put a wall in front of myself that made others can't be in the inner circle of myself. "But, how do we know when to let someone in to deepest circles of our lives?" Maybe my past experiences really affects the way i thought about friends. They can be "BETTER" than your enemies. So, i think it's better to build the wall..

*but still wondering who will break my wall later hahahaa

the better one will definitely come

it's been a long time i don't think about my future

until that day comes...

actually, this is my one and a half year living in Singapore but i don't know why i feel so bored.

not because i don't like my school, but i just get bored to do the same thing everyday. you just go to school, do the things that the teachers ask you to do, go home and sleep. i love my friends and i love to live with both of my brothers together here and i think maybe that's the thing that make me feel "bored". sometimes i wonder to live in the far far away place where nobody knows me and nobody that i know. it will make me become more mature and independent as well hahaha 

suddenly, there was a good news...

i just know if my school can do the transfer credit to another university but you have to quit before the next semester start which means this semester is my last chance! if i quit from my school after i finished my fourth semester, i don't need to work here and the MOE will release me, there is no bond to work, and no need to pay the fine too! it sounds good, right? So i start to search some universities where i can transfer my credit there

i have given my transcript to one of the university in Vancouver, Canada. My transcript wasn't too bad :p so they said i don't need to redo my second year there. if i study there, i can continue directly to the third year (to finish the diploma) and one more year to finish my degree!!

unfortunately...

the application for the new admission has already closed just a few days ago. i just feel soooooo disappointed. if only i could turn back the time :(

sometimes i regret not to know about the transfer credit things from the beginning. i just missed one of the biggest chance to change my life :(

but, whatever that happened, i have to give thanks to Him! maybe this time is not the right time for me to go there. So from now on, i have to focus to finish my diploma in Singapore and i hope i can go to another country to continue my degree later. because i know He has the best plan for my life. the better one will definitely come (:

chasing pavements

what does hurt most?
trying to let you go and watching you with someone else or keep waiting about something that may never happen?
it's just getting harder and more hurt as well..
how i wish i could turn back the time..

"should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements?
even if it leads nowhere"

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,

If I'm wrong I am right,

Don't need to look no further,

This ain't lust.

I know this is love but,

If i tell the world,

I'll never say enough,

Cause it was not said to you,

And that's exactly what i need to do,

If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere,

Or would it be waste?

Even if i knew my place should i leave it there?

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,

And fly around circles,

Waiting as my heart drops,

And my back begins to tingle

Finally could this be it

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere,

Or would it be waste?

Even if i knew my place should i leave it there?Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere

Adele - Chasing Pavements

5cm

"Mimpi - mimpi kamu, cita - cita kamu, keyakinan kamu, apa yang kamu mau kejar, biarkan ia menggantung, mengambang 5 centimeter di depan kening kamu. Jadi dia ngga akan pernah lepas dari mata kamu. Dan kamu bawa mimpi dan keyakinan kamu itu setiap hari, kamu lihat setiap hari, dan percaya kamu pasti bisa.

Apa pun hambatannya, bilang sama diri kamu sendiri, kalo kamu percaya sama keinginan itu dan kamu nggak bisa menyerah. Bahwa kamu akan berdiri lagi setiap kamu jatuh, bahwa kamu akan mengejarnya sampai dapat, apapun itu, segala keingan, mimpi, cita - cita, keyakinan diri...

Biarkan keyakinan kamu, 5 centimeter mengambang di depan kening kamu.

Dan... sehabis itu yang kamu perlu cuma kaki yang akan berjalan jauh dari biasanya, tangan yang akan berbuat lebih banyak dari biasanya, mata yang akan menatap lebih lama dari biasanya, leher yang akan lebih sering melihat ke atas, lapisan tekad yang seribu kali lebih keras dari baja, dan hati yang akan bekerja lebih keras dari biasanya, serta mulut yang selalu berdoa..

Keep our dreams alive, and we will survive.."

5cm - Donny Dhirgantoro

good day

today is a good day!hahaha it always feels good to be home!! and here i am, writing this new post in my own room, in my home :D

however the flight has delayed for almost 4 hours, i still felt happy today..

first, something has made my day since morning. thanks :)

second, i meet my kindergarten friend whom i never meet for almost 14 years!!

i just felt so happy to meet my childhood friend..

so here the story...

i decided to go home with my best friend, jessica. she said her school friend also go home at the same time as us, with the same flight also. but, i think i won't know them because we are from different school. when jessica said their name, one of the names was so familiar for me and suddenly i remember one of my kindergarten friend who has the same name as him.i ask jessica if he was at the same school as mine or not and the answer is YES hahaha. so, i'm sure if he was one of my childhood friend..

i forget about his face but i remember the story about him

he came to my home with his bicycle and gave me a big brown teddy bear when i celebrated my 5th birthday. that's the memory that i remember about him..

oh btw, his name is adrian and there is anzel, a person who i just know today hahaha

and coincidentally, we went home together and meet today after 14 years has passed :)

when i told my mom about this story, she also forgot about his name. but when i said, the one who gave me a big brown teddy bear when i was 5, then she remember him hahaha. my mom even remember his mom, his sister, and his family. because his sister is the same age as my first brother too..

it makes me realize if time really flies so fast!!

and everything will be changed as the time goes by. now, i think "change" doesn't always consider as a negative thought. thank you for you who said this to me :)

jessica, me, adrian, anzel :)

a 14 years old teddy bear lol